Tagged by piano_girl27 (first time I've been tagged ever, yay!)

Write 20 things about yourself. Then tag half as many people as it took in minutes for you to write these 20 things.

1. I just got the Beyond the Fringe DVD.
2. I also just got the new Sinead O'Connor album. Sinead and reggae - it's actually a nifty combination, considering I'm not a reggae fan. :)
3. I also also just got the Horror of Fang Rock (Doctor Who) DVD because we all know that Tom Baker is love and he talks to a glowy booger in this story and whee.
4. My real first name is Deanna. I was young and stupid when I first got on the internet and thought you had to have a super-secret identity and thus dubbed myself Scarlett Hartley.  I just go by Scarlett everywhere online now because it's much easier than typing this in all the time. :)
5. I have taken to describing things as "Sweet!" as a direct result of my brother, and repeated quotings of Napoleon Dynamite.
6. Despite no real interest, I watched bits of the Bob Dylan thing on PBS and discovered that he's a pretty sweet guy. (See? Sweet! Told you so.)
7. I recently made a pretty OK remix of the Scissor Sisters' Comfortably Numb. I like acapellas; they make me happy. :)
8. The Daily Show is on a break this week, and that makes me sad.
9. I can't remember any French I learned in the four years I took it in middle/high school.
10. I wish I could play the guitar. I started learning a few years ago, and was able to pluck out the theme to Blackadder, but I lack musical talent, so... yeah.
11. My favorite Beatle is George. :D
12. I tend to spell words as the English do - y'know, favourite, analyse, all that sort of thing. It just makes more sense to me for some reason. I swear I was English in a past life.
13. I am impatiently waiting for Madonna's new album because the clips I've heard of Hung Up make me forget the poor points on Music and American Life. *shakes fist at Mirwais*
14. I've had The Aztecs (Who) DVD for about 2 1/2 years but only got round to watching it last night, and still haven't watched the final episode, which I plan to do after I post this. I love Who so much. :)
15. My favorite member of Queen is Freddie Mercury, but I love the other guys lots too. :) ('Specially Brian May when he isn't being a tosspot.)
16. I have an embarassing crush, and it is on Jon Pertwee. Yes, I am strange. Stop looking at me like that.
16a. Seriously. I'm really not weird.
17. House MD isn't back on till November and this also makes me sad.
18. Despite being a complete trip that really makes no sense and culminates in a really disgusting ending, I quite like The Magic Christian. It's got Ringo!
19. I fall asleep at night watching a tape with a bunch of Are You Being Served? episodes.  I can't fall asleep with total quiet.
20. I honestly am not weird! There's just something about him! It's not the lisp, though. *heh*


This took me about 12 minutes to do, so I'll tag 6 people (!).
secretive_busmorgeilnostalgic_candy
fizzixrat - Colin Avenger! He who gave us SPC! ;) That was so nice of you to add me as a friend! I never replied to your comment - I got into The U of Maryland, and am now in the process of taking midterms... :/ Fun fun fun! I hope things are going well for you!</span>laurenem6
angst_pirate
</b></a></b></a>



Wow. I need to post more often.

OK, so, I was doing all right with the ol' OCD, and then I crashed.  I mean, for the last few weeks I have been really been badly off.  Just... wow.  Completely out of my head.  I visit my therapist, and, well, was told basically to do more of the same stuff with the CBT and exposure and stuff.  This is what I've been doing for the past year, and I've been up and down and up and down... down... crash.  My mind is like a minefield.  But the CBT does work, when your meds are helping.  And my meds have died like dead.  So right now, doing CBT exercises simply causes me mucho anxiety, because the meds aren't giving me the foundation I need, and I end up in a fetal position in my bed, which as you may have guessed is not good.  My mind is tired and can't fight back, and I've been doing exercises to cause anxiety to get over the anxiety.  This has not been helping.  It's like beating a dead horse (an anxious dead horse), because my mind is just so... unable to be rational, logical, and all that good stuff.  It's all OCD in there.

So.  I see my psychiatrist.  And she wins at life, because she basically said "This isn't working, so you're gonna do this instead, and all shall be well.  And we're gonna kick up your meds and put you on a new one cos you're insane."  Well, she didn't actually say the last bit.  But she and I talked, and I poured out all of the frustration I've had with the CBT and with the ruminating and the doubts and fears and she asks a bunch of questions and I answer them and I ask "So does this mean I'm gay or bisexual or a zebra or WTFBBQ? Is it not OCD? Do I have any reason other than OCD to be going out of my head like this?"  And she says, in so many words, "Damn, you're straight.  You're messed up in the head, that's what's wrong with you.  New technique and meds and we'll sort you out."  And I felt like I could fly. 

This wasn't reassurance - this was statement of a fact that I know but has been so fudging clouded by OCD and CBT-with-lack-of-meds.  It's so ingrained in me now to do CBT thought exercises with everything and to accept everything as a sign that I'm bisexual (that replaced the lesbian fear, aren't I lucky?) or could be bisexual or will be bisexual or whatever the hell my mind is screwing me with at the moment.  That's all well and good with working meds but fudges with your mind because you're basically telling yourself that you're bisexual when that's not the truth, so your mind tries to wrap itself around that and bucks it because it's not real and your OCD 'splodes.  And you end up in a fetal position.  I've been assuming that I'm just going to have to get used to the fact that I'm going to find out that I'm bisexual, because that is part of the therapy, to just "accept" your fears.  But you're supposed to be able to separate yourself from the OCD.  And that wasn't happening.  Just the fetal position.

So I get to stop torturing myself with exposure exercises.  They just cause anxiety and waste my energy at this time. The new technique is pretty cool.  I get to reclaim who I am.  I know that sounds melodramatic, but it's true.  Throughout the past year I've sort of lost my sense of self - I've just felt numb, like a big lump of OCD.  Hopeless.  My psych and I are working on that.  I'll go through CBT again someday, when I've got a solid foundation.  But right now, I'm doing better than I've been in months.  I mean, I'm still having trouble (I only talked about the new technique and such two days ago), and that's just how it is - but I don't have to get into a fetal position, because I can be me again, and not OCD!Me.  Just me, with OCD.

Wow, that feels good to get off my chest.  OK.  Sorry for the rambling.  I promise to post something unconnected with OCD at some point. :)